Monday, November 28, 2005
Giving Thanks
I traveled home this year for the first time in what I think was about 5 years for Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to the trip, however it was the first time that Beth and I had been apart for that long in quite awhile, so a bit bittersweet to me. I would have loved to have spent it with her, but I'm a bit of a dunce, so we'll leave it at that!
I haven't been on this blog in a long time, but I've been feeling like I should for the past month. The one thing that has permeated my thoughts during this time has been the loss of Kyle. Kyle always encouraged writing your thoughts and journaling, but I've never been great with journaling, so I thought this might be a good place to start back with. I was able to keep up with this at one time, and was encouraged by Beth and other friends to restart it, so here I am.
I've never really had to deal with death in my life, but it seems like its been all around me the past month. Honestly, I've never come to grips with death. Its always been a distance thing that happens to other people, read in the news, relatives of friends, but has never pried its way into my life. The last real loss that I remember was when Nan-Nan (my great-grandmother) passed away, but I was probably in 5th grade at that time. Kyle's death left me numb. I didn't know how to deal with this, how to understand it, where to put it. It just didn't/doesn't make any sense to me. I have had to deal with a lot of illnesses in my family, however that has almost made death seem less likely to me. Its not that I didnÂt believe it could happen, its just that when you see people pull through the things that I have, it makes it seem more distant - less likely. Loosing Kyle brought a harsh end to that naivete.
This Thanksgiving I went home with a new perspective to visit Granny, who recently has had a battle with colon cancer, and my grandpa, who suffered a heart attack last year and has had declining health ever since. I honestly was terrified of going home to see them. I didn't know how I would react, what my mind, my heart would do as I saw them with this new understanding of what it means to lose someone. In some ways I miss the ignorance. Now I feel left in a fog with how to deal with these things.
On Thursday morning I went for a run, which have been few andfarw between for me since my back injury. I was a beautiful Missouri fall day. The leaves were blowing across the streets, crunching under each stride. The clouds looked like pillows placed on clear blue sky. The hills caused my legs to burn in a way thatstrangelyy invigorated me. It was cool autumn day and consciously let the airdeeplyy fill my lungs and I breathed every aspect of the beauty and life around me. I will always remember Kyle every time I experience that moment.
On Friday, Grandpa had another heart attack. They moved him from the rehab center that he was in back into the hospital. I got to visit with him some on Friday and Sat, but had to leave early Sunday morning. When I left we thought that Grandpa had a minor heart attack (although at 88 any heart attack is serious), but after hearing from the doctors on Sunday we found out that it was more of a major one. I'm somewhat at a loss right now. It seems like death is all around lately. I just found out yesterday that Janalee's grandfather passed away over the weekend, another friends last weekend, and Jordan's a couple before that. Some on my team lost a relative over the weekend and a co-worker lost a close friend unexpectedly. What once seemed a distant thought now seems to be all around me.
Its good to be back on the blog. I'm making no promises, but I hope to write often again.
Cheers, Tom
I haven't been on this blog in a long time, but I've been feeling like I should for the past month. The one thing that has permeated my thoughts during this time has been the loss of Kyle. Kyle always encouraged writing your thoughts and journaling, but I've never been great with journaling, so I thought this might be a good place to start back with. I was able to keep up with this at one time, and was encouraged by Beth and other friends to restart it, so here I am.
I've never really had to deal with death in my life, but it seems like its been all around me the past month. Honestly, I've never come to grips with death. Its always been a distance thing that happens to other people, read in the news, relatives of friends, but has never pried its way into my life. The last real loss that I remember was when Nan-Nan (my great-grandmother) passed away, but I was probably in 5th grade at that time. Kyle's death left me numb. I didn't know how to deal with this, how to understand it, where to put it. It just didn't/doesn't make any sense to me. I have had to deal with a lot of illnesses in my family, however that has almost made death seem less likely to me. Its not that I didnÂt believe it could happen, its just that when you see people pull through the things that I have, it makes it seem more distant - less likely. Loosing Kyle brought a harsh end to that naivete.
This Thanksgiving I went home with a new perspective to visit Granny, who recently has had a battle with colon cancer, and my grandpa, who suffered a heart attack last year and has had declining health ever since. I honestly was terrified of going home to see them. I didn't know how I would react, what my mind, my heart would do as I saw them with this new understanding of what it means to lose someone. In some ways I miss the ignorance. Now I feel left in a fog with how to deal with these things.
On Thursday morning I went for a run, which have been few andfarw between for me since my back injury. I was a beautiful Missouri fall day. The leaves were blowing across the streets, crunching under each stride. The clouds looked like pillows placed on clear blue sky. The hills caused my legs to burn in a way thatstrangelyy invigorated me. It was cool autumn day and consciously let the airdeeplyy fill my lungs and I breathed every aspect of the beauty and life around me. I will always remember Kyle every time I experience that moment.
On Friday, Grandpa had another heart attack. They moved him from the rehab center that he was in back into the hospital. I got to visit with him some on Friday and Sat, but had to leave early Sunday morning. When I left we thought that Grandpa had a minor heart attack (although at 88 any heart attack is serious), but after hearing from the doctors on Sunday we found out that it was more of a major one. I'm somewhat at a loss right now. It seems like death is all around lately. I just found out yesterday that Janalee's grandfather passed away over the weekend, another friends last weekend, and Jordan's a couple before that. Some on my team lost a relative over the weekend and a co-worker lost a close friend unexpectedly. What once seemed a distant thought now seems to be all around me.
Its good to be back on the blog. I'm making no promises, but I hope to write often again.
Cheers, Tom
