Run Tom, Run

Okay blog reading peeps, you have been officially denied one of my greatest works of blogging ever and I fully blame Blogger for this tragedy! I was sitting at Common Grounds on Wed night, enjoying the free wireless and catching up on work from being out on Tuesday and I decided that I would make a post before heading out. Something struck me and the keyboard started flying. I was writing stuff that dreams are made of. We're talking awards folks, we're talking more appearances then that ebay wedding dress guy got. It had it all - inspiration, laughter & tears, blah, blah, blah... This post would have changed my life, and most definitely yours. Once I put this finishing touches on it, I took a second to admire my work and hit "publish post". I waited patiently as it was publishing and then it popped up that it was complete. I then hit view blog and tragedy struck! NOTHING WAS THERE!?!?! I quickly hit back page, then the edit posts, back page again, edit post..... NOOOOOOO!!! It was gone. I've tried to recreate, but it just wasn't there. I was too sad to try and pull it together again. The moment had passed, and I don't think it will come back. I'm sorry your lives have deprived of the brilliance of this post, you can join me in my anger with Blogger. Okay... it was just more ranting on running, but it was some damn good ranting!!!

I was at Barnes & Noble today and saw that they now have 2005 calendars out. I had to do a double take on that one before I realized that yes indeed it was a 2005 calendar. I still don't have a 2004 calendar and I was excited at first because I thought they were '04 ones, but then somewhat depressed when I realized that it was '05. 2005??? There is soo much wrong with that year for me. I just don't like the thought of it being close enough to already be able to buy a calendar for it! Craig, could you pull some strings for me to have these removed? Aside from the fact that I'm not looking forward to 2005, I'm also wondering what happened to the first half of this year. 2005 brings two things for me that I'd be just fine without at the moment, one is turning 28 and the other is my 10 year reunion. Is this really possible??? Has it really already been 9 years since I finished high school?? For that matter how did I end up already being 5 years out of college??? 28 to me seems to be the official countdown to 30 (my apologies now to all my friends/sister that are already there (or about to be), but hey - you've dealt with it already, my turn now).

This year has truly flown by though. I really don't know where the months have gone and I'm not really sure what I did with them. There was a time when I thought 27 was old and seemed so far away that I couldn't imagine it at the time (I think I probably had that view when I was graduating college). Now all the sudden I'm staring down 30. I realize this is still a couple years away (actually 2.5), but the last two years have been a blur, so I'm pretty sure that I'm going to wake up one day and realize that I'm 30 and wonder what the heck happened to the last two years. I have now almost been in Waco for 3 years, and it really doesn't seem like it. How is that possible? It doesn't feel like I've been here for that long, yet here it is. What I don't want to do in the next 3 years.... get so caught up in work that I miss out on life along the way. I've been guilty before, and hope not to fall into the same mistake again. I want more to show for my life then just where my career has progressed.

2005?????? Surely not.....

I feel somewhat like I am standing at a crossroads in my life right now. Actually I feel much like this picture, that I'm standing in front of an uncertain future. I'm staring down the tracks, but I don't really have a clue what's really ahead of me. My vision is cloudy and uncertain, and that's not something I care for. A few things at work have led me to feel this way right now. I want more control in my life, and I guess my job only has as much control as I allow it to, but right now I think it has more then I care for. I came back to Waco because of my job, but my job wasn't the reason that I wanted to move back. My faith, or the absence of , was the reason I wanted back. My time in Nashville was not the most pleasant of my life. Don't get me wrong, I loved the area and I made some great friends, but I wasn't in a good place. In A New Kind Of Christian, McLaren talks of three possibilities he faced himself with in the midst of a faith crisis: 1) continue the way things are (which wasn't working), or 2) abandon his faith all-together, or 3) find a new approach to how to be a Christian. I think when I moved to Nashville I found myself at this place for different reasons, but unfortunately I think I chose to leave my faith in God.

I don't know that I completely left God, I still felt him, I still had a desire to have things be right, but I ignored what He tried to do in my life there. I was visiting with my friend John last night, and realized again how much God tried to put people in my life and a church community that I could have gotten involved in, but I didn't. We were both in Nashville at the same time, he went to a church that I went occasionally, and was good friends with some people that I met, but choose not to be a part off. I slipped into a life I didn't care for, a life that wasn't me, yet I continued to struggle that this wasn't what I wanted, but my old faith wasn't what I wanted either. I think the lowpoint for me was when I was out at a bar with some friends one night. Somehow conversation turned to God and faith (I'm not really sure how, but it did). I made a few comments and girl that I thought probably knew me pretty well turned to me and said "I never knew you were religious". Ouch - that one cut deep. Someone who probably did know me fairly well for that year had no clue that God any part of my life. That was the point when I knew something had to change. That was about the time that the opportunity to move to Waco came up. My thoughts.... this was the last place I was where my faith was right. This was the last place I was when I was happy with my church and my community. I wanted to come back not to get back to Texas, not for the career move, but restore my faith in my Creator... to go back to where things had been right and hope to find a new start.

It wasn't the instant change that I had hoped for. I think I spent the first 6 months here in the shadows at UBC. Partly because of the schedule I had to work, partly because I was hesitant to become involved. What was good was to be back at church on Sundays, to be engaged in a worship that I connected with. Over time I allowed myself to become a part of the community and things began to change in my life. For the first time in a long time I had balance between work and life. I had something more important then where work could take me. But, now as I sit here and think of the possibility of leaving this place (be it in 6 months, or 2 years) I wonder if I have really changed, or did I just change myself from one community to another? I'm definitely happier with where I am now then where I was three years ago, but has my faith really changed, or is it grounded only in those around me and in my church? If so, what will happen with my faith when I move on? That's a thought that scares me right now and makes me feel that I'm just not ready to move on. I do believe my faith has changed in the past couple years, that I know God in a new way, but yet I don't think I've listened to everything God has tried to do with me here. I think if I had a clearer picture of God's presence/purpose in my life, then the uncertainty of what was next wouldn't cause such worries. I know all the words and the verses, but there's just something absent right now for me - something that words and verses aren't filling. I would tell you what it is if I knew, but I don't. In writing this I think I can say that I've realized one thing, that it is the next step in a journey that I'm not wanting to ever leave again. I'm just ready to find what that next step is... cheers.